Coulrophobia

Each Friday, my school sends a delegation of medical students out to Juvenile Hall, where we split up in twos, and instruct the kids on rotating topics, such as Decision Making, Dating Violence, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, and Contraception. The teens are aware that, while misbehaving during math class might earn some class cred, acting out during Sex Ed means that one's not man/woman enough to handle the topic. Thus, we enjoy their rapt attention (other than that one fluke pencil-stabbing incident), as we point to Netter illustrations of vas deferens and cervical ora, and pass around examples of dental dams, condoms, and diaphragms.

We thought that we were being all educationally innovative with our "Guess which STD?" Jeopardy game, featuring fun-filled images of condylomata lata and genital warts. However, it seems that we are totally outdone by Derek the Abstinence Clown, with his fun-filled juggling shtick. It is unclear to me what juggling has to do with safe sex (tossing pins leads to tossing machetes leads to, I don't know, neurosyphylis?). Derek has Austin the Seventh Grader balance a phallic symbol cane in one hand, which represents "doing whatever feels right like now." The cane begins to tumble, upon which Austin is summarily chastised.

On Austin's second attempt, Derek asks Austin to focus on his hopes and dreams. He also finally moves out of Austin's way, allowing the kid room to adjust his arm, so that the bottom of the cane can continuously counteract the torque of the top. Newton's Laws and Austin's Hope-Focusing conspire to ensure the cane's successful stability. From this analogy, the junior-high kids learn the imperative of avoiding drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and especially, pre-marital sex.

Heeeeeere's Derik!!: